I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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