mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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