I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
