I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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