he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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