bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
