3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
