You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
