He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
We need to get me chipped asap
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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