The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize