I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
