I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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