we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
