My friends, they love my intelligence
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
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