if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
