Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Randomize
