Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
