My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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