I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
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