I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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