Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
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