Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
The power of my boobs compel you
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
