I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
