Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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