I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
