I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
