Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
