The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
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