smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
He has the fingertips of a God
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