This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
