Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
