and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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