Pants 0. Shit 1.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
