She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
