Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
