I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
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