I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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