I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
