I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
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