Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
