Swine flu. Run for my life!
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
