im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I just cut my nipple shaving
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
