6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize