I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
