we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Randomize
