Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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