guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
