Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
