sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
PANTIES FOUND
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