I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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