I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I just googled if crying burns calories
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
