You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
