I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
