Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
