I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
