Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
My cat gives me a boner
you traded sex for a burrito?
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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