just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
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