i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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