Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling.
It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
