I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
