The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
