but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
