Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize