I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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